Everybody Hates Dee
by Dee1
Summary: I'm baaaaaaack! Mwahaha! Anyway. This one takes place right after "The Next Legend of No Plot". The Dragoons get tired of my annoyance and plot against my life. However, every single one of their strange plans fail due to bad twists of luck. (Or maybe idi


Authors Note: Hello my little victims--err fans! I was stalling with this one, I'm not sure why. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to write it. Until I got bored one night that is. I was sitting here on the evil internet service known as AOL, and I had absolutely nothing to do. Sure staring at a blank screen is fun, but it gets old after a few hours. So I wrote this. It really didn't take that long. BECAUSE I HAVE MAD SKILLS YO! (Don't ask. Please don't.) Although I said...Umm...Typed?...Whatever. Anyway, although I put it in the summary, this one's about the Dragoons finally deciding to do something about my constant annoyance. They plot against my life, and use methods that continuously fail like in those old cartoons. I'm too smart for them! ...That's kinda sad when you think about it. Oh well. Have fun, my friends!  
  
Umm. Thing I Forgot: Yeah uhh. I forgot to mention when I first posted it that my friend LanceSiro@aol.com gave me a few ideas for "The Next Legend of No Plot". Even though I didn't use most of them, I'd like to thank him for trying to help me out anyway. (As well as for the ideas that I DID use.)  
  
  
Everybody Hates Dee  
  
(The Dragoons are still in the Inn from the previous fic, only now they're plotting ways in which to kill Dee.)  
  
Dart: I say we set her on fire!   
  
(Dart recalls the message board incident, and pouts.)  
  
Albert: Too cliche.  
  
*Note* Oh I SO spelled that wrong.  
  
Rose: Yeah! We should try beating her over the head with an Easy Bake Oven!  
Lloyd: Whatever you say my Goddess! (Worships)  
Rose: Mwahaha...  
Kongol: You know, Kongol think that we should come up with more than one plan. In case Dee manage to live through one we decide on.  
  
(Meru just stands there, looking dumb and scratching her ear.)  
  
Meru: Umm. Yeah.  
  
(Haschel and Miranda are revived with amazing fanfiction magic. YAY! Err. Yeah.)  
  
All:...Riiiiiight then.  
Dart: Ok guys! Let's figure out ways to kill Dee now!  
  
(They think up a bunch of strange little plans, then set out to find Dee. Dee is being her moronic self, and wandering around aimlessly.)  
  
Dee: Hey. I was reading this book once, and it said talking to yourself is a sign of insanity. Really? Yeah! Isn't that stupid? Very! People don't know what they're talking about! Yeah! Who lets these people become authors?!  
Owners of Fanfiction.Net: (Weep) We're sorry!  
  
(Meanwhile, the Dragoons sneak up on Dee. Dart is holding a Sniper Rifle. This won't end well kiddies.)  
  
Rose: Bwahaha. This is gonna be cool! Her brains will fly out and--  
Albert: What brains?  
Rose: Oh...Yeah. Heh heh...  
Meru: Hey! What if little kids are reading this?!  
Haschel: Dee's corrupted many kids in the past, I doubt it really matters now. One day they'll be Dee-Like beings running around everywhere anyway and we'll all die. So it's no big deal.  
Miranda:...So much for our futures.  
Lloyd: Yeah, but see, if we kill her now, she won't be able to corrupt anyone else. Which means there won't be as many Dee worshippers as there would if we let her live! Get it?  
Meru: ...No.  
Lloyd: I didn't ask you!  
Dart: Uhh. How do you work this thing? (Shakes the gun.)  
Albert: WATCH THE TRIGGER YOU--  
  
(Albert is too late, and Dart accidentally pulls the trigger. This sends a bullet at a tree, which it ricochets off of and hits a rock, which once again causes it to ricochet. This continues for some time, and Dee stands there, following the bullet with her eyes.)  
  
Dee: DUDE! COOL!  
Rose: (Annoyed) Nice going Dart!  
Dart: DUDE! COOL!  
Albert: Well so much for that...  
Meru: Umm. It's coming back this way.  
All: What?  
  
(Sure enough, the bullet ricochets off another tree and flies back at them. They all scream and dive to the ground. Unfortunet--Err I mean, fortunately, it misses all of them and hits some random bystander.)  
  
Lloyd: God God damnit!  
All: This is your fault!   
  
(They all point to Meru.)  
  
Meru: I...Uhh...HE TOLD ME TO DO IT!  
  
(Meru points to Kongol.)  
  
Kongol: Umm. It Haschel's idea!  
  
(He points to Haschel.)  
  
Haschel:...DART MADE ME DO IT!  
  
(Soon they're all arguing, and none of them notice that Dee has walked up behind them.)  
  
Dee: Hey? Guys?  
Dragoons: Huh?  
Dee: Is this yours? (Holds up the gun.)  
Miranda: GAH! SHE'S GOT A GUN!  
Lloyd: RUN AWAY!  
  
(They all run, leaving Dee standing there alone. She blinks a few times, looking confused. Then she shrugs, drops the gun, and walks off.)   
  
***  
  
(After a few minutes, Dee arrives at a Dunkin' Donuts. Immediately she rushes in, but she is unaware that the Dragoons are following her.)  
  
Albert: Ok. So the last plan failed. Now we have to try this one!  
Rose: Uhh. Seriously though, whose idea was it to try and poison her with laundry detergent?  
Dart: It was Meru's.  
Haschel: That figures.  
Lloyd: Yeah, but she was also the one who suggested leaving Shana and Guaraha behind at the Inn.  
Kongol: This true. Forgive Meru we can.  
Meru: WOO HOO!   
Albert: Ssh! Be quiet or she'll hear us!  
  
(They all tiptoe into the Dunkin' Donuts, and hide under a table, which by fanfic magic they can all fit under. Fanfic magic is cool! Dee walks up to the counter and proceeds to bug the guy behind it until he gives her a box full of each kind of donut and a large coffee. By use of a plot device, she sits at the table the Dragoons are hiding under. They all snicker.)  
  
Dee: Umm? I thought I just heard something...? Oh well. Probably those voices. They won't leave me alone!  
  
(A guy sitting at the table across from Dee speaks up.)  
  
Guy: You hear the voices too?!  
Dee: YEAH! Aren't they annoying?!  
Guy: Very!  
  
(They get into a conversation about "the voices". While Dee is distracted, Dart grabs the coffee off the table and sets it in front of everyone.)  
  
Dart: Ok! Put the stuff in!  
  
(Albert pulls out a bottle of CVS brand laundry detergent, which could probably kill anything, and pours the whole thing into Dee's coffee. Then he puts in a package of sugar and start to stir it.)  
  
Rose: Uhh. Albert? What are you doing?  
Albert: I'm mixing the coffee.  
Rose:...*Long pause*...Why?   
Albert: Well, because coffee isn't good if it's not stirred!  
Rose: WHO CARES IF IT'S GOOD?! Give me that you moron!   
  
(She steals it and tosses it back up onto the table before Dee notices, showing what a great awareness Dee has of what's happening around her.)   
  
Dee: Yeah. One time on vacation in Virginia, the voices told me to burn things. So I did....Then a mob chased after me with pitch forks and torches and I almost died!  
Guy: Damn those voices!  
Dee: Yeah!   
  
(The guy spills his coffee. Yes. That came out of no where. Deal with it. :D)  
  
Guy: Aww crap! I bet the voices did that too!  
Dee: That sucks. Hey! You can have mine!  
Guy: Really?  
Dee: Yeah...I have to do 100 hours of community service anyway! *Mutter* Stupid graduation requirements...  
Guy: Thanks!  
  
(The guy takes Dee's coffee and drinks it. The Dragoons all blink a few times. Dart begins slamming his head into the floor.)  
  
Dart: Why do our plans NEVER work?!  
Albert: For the love of Soa! This is the second time!  
  
(The guy suddenly starts to twitch, then falls off his chair dead. Dee's eye widen to a scary point, much like they did in "The Legend of No Plot" when Lloyd entered. She slowly grabs her box of donuts and tiptoes out of the place. The Dragoons sigh.)  
  
Lloyd: Great...We failed again!  
Miranda: Uhh. We killed a guy...  
Meru: DEAD BODY! COOL!  
  
***  
  
(The Dragoons stand in a field, everyone gathered in a circle around Dart. He has a can of red paint next to him, and he is painting a large X on the ground. Yeah. We all know this little trick. Above the X hangs a safe, which is on a pulley thing attached to a tree.)  
  
Kongol: Kongol think this trick old.  
Dart: Yeah. But it's worth a shot.  
Rose: No it isn't.  
Dart: Shut up!  
Rose: Make me!  
Dart: Umm. No?  
Rose: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!  
Albert: Both of you shut up! Dee's coming!  
  
(They all hide in a bush which, much like the table, they can all amazingly fit in. Dee walks towards them, eating her last donut.)  
  
Dee: It's kinda funny that I'd get shot at, hear strange voices where ever I go, and a guy I was talking to suddenly dropped dead all in a matter of 15 minutes...Oh well. Coincidence.  
  
(Dee stuffs the donut in her mouth and swallows it, then stops short when she notices the X on the floor.)  
  
Dee: Hey? What's this thing?  
Rose: Hey look! She saw it!  
Lloyd: ACK! She's not supposed to see it!  
Haschel: Don't worry, her child-like curiosity will cause her to step on it anyway.  
Dee: Ooooooooh...  
  
(Dee's child-like curiosity causes her to step on the X.)  
  
Haschel: HA! I TOLD YOU! NOW WHO'S SMART?! HUH?!   
Meru:...Oooooh...Big X on the floor!  
  
(Meru starts to climb out of the bush, but Kongol drags her back in.)  
  
Albert: Quick Dart! Drop the safe!  
Dart: Gotcha!  
  
(He goes to drop the safe, but Dee suddenly steps off the X, and he stops.)  
  
Dee: Hehe...  
Dart: Umm, what's she doing?  
  
(Dee steps back on the X.)  
  
Dee: I'm on the X!  
  
(She steps off it again.)  
  
Dee: I'm off the X!  
  
(She steps on it AGAIN.)  
  
Dee: I'm on the X!  
  
(She once again steps off it.)  
  
Dee: I'm off the X! *Insane childish giggling*  
  
(This repeats for quite some time.)  
  
All:...  
Miranda: Now we know for sure that there's something mentally wrong with her.  
Dart: When am I supposed to drop the thing?!  
Albert: NOW! NO NO WAIT! OK NOW! NO STOP! NOW!  
Dart: GAAAAH! STOP IT! YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!  
  
(Dart lets it go anyway, and it starts to fall towards the ground.)  
  
Dee: I'm off the X! I'm on the X! I'm off the X! I'm on the X! I'm off the--*CRASH!*...Uhh...*Long pause* Is that normal?  
  
(Rose begins to smack Dart.)  
  
Rose: YOU *Slap* MESSED *Slap* UP *Slap* AGAIN! *Slap*  
Dart: I. Ow! Didn't. Ow! Mean. Ow! To! OW!  
Meru:...Hehe. That's funny!  
Miranda: Shut up! You're a moron!  
Meru: NO! YOU shut up!  
Kongol:...Kongol want food.  
Haschel:...I can wiggle my nose!  
Lloyd: (Worshipping Rose as she pounds on Dart.)  
Albert: GAAAAH! YOU PEOPLE ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WORK WITH!  
  
(Dee walks up to them.)  
  
Dee: HI GUYS!  
Dragoons: ACK!  
Dee: Hey, I bet you'd all like to hear a "You Know You've Played Too Much Dragoon When..." list!  
Albert: NOOOOO! NOT THAT!  
Rose: THAT'S TORTURE!  
Meru: I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!  
Miranda: I'M TOO MUCH OF A BITCH TO DIE!  
Dart: MY HAIR IS TOO COOL FOR ME TO DIE! *Sniff*  
  
(They run off screaming and Dee grins evilly.)  
  
Dee: Works every time.  
  
***  
  
(Dee is back to wandering around aimlessly, having not a clue where she is. The Dragoons are once again following her, this time Kongol is dragging a large box behind him.)  
  
Kongol: Kongol tired of dragging box!  
Lloyd: Oh shut up.  
Meru: Well uhh, ya know, if we were to actually STOP Dee, we wouldn't have to keep following her and Kongol wouldn't have to complain about dragging the box.   
Dart:...Why didn't I think of that?  
Rose: Because you don't think.  
Dart: Ohh. I see. *Long pause*...HEY!  
  
(Dee hears Dart yell, and twirls around to face her "friends".)  
  
Dee: Oh, you guys are still following me?  
Miranda:...You knew the whole time?!  
Dee: Yeah, but I thought I'd let you guys feel like you were actually good at sneaking around.  
Miranda:...I hate you.  
Dee: Thank you. Thank you very much.  
  
(Albert suddenly yells out of no where.)  
  
Albert: UNLEASH THE BEAST!  
Dee: Dude. For the love of Soa, Al. You gotta calm down.  
  
(Kongol opens the box, and out steps...)  
  
Dee:...KAFFIE?!  
Kaffie: HIYA! Ireallyliketotalk!Doyouliketotalk?Ofcourseyouliketotalk!EveryonelikestotalkbutnoonelikestotalkmorethanmeandItalkaboutsuchinterestingthingslikehowthemoonthatneversetsneversetsandstuff! ISN'T THAT COOL?!  
Dee: AAAAAH! MAKE IT STOOOOOP!   
  
(Dee slams her head into a tree over and over.)  
  
Albert: YES! SUFFER! DIE! MWAHAHAHAHA!  
Meru: Umm. Albert lost his sanity again.  
Haschel: Hey, wasn't this whole thing his idea?  
Kongol: Everything always Albert's idea.  
Dart: (Pouting) I'm the leader! I'M supposed to make the plans!  
Kaffie: YaknowthebargetsalotofcostumersandIliketotalktothembuttheyalwaysrunoutscreamingandIneverknowwhy!It'slikeamysteryoflifelikewhytheskyisblueandnotgreenlikethegrassyaknow?!  
Dee: (Twitching) Can't...take it...  
  
(A large air ship suddenly falls from the sky, crashing into the ground and crushing Kaffie.)  
  
Aika: Umm. Oops?  
Vyse: I knew I shouldn't have let you drive!  
Aika: Hey, I ran someone over! COOL!  
Fina: OOH OOH! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! I WANNA DRIVE!  
Vyse: NO!  
Fina: YES!  
Vyse: NO!  
Fina: YES!  
Vyse: NOOOOOOO!  
Fina: YEEEEEESSSS!  
  
(The air ship lifts off the ground, and flies off again. Everyone just stares, not quite sure what to make of what just happened. Dee and Meru blink a few times.)  
  
Albert:...DAMNIT! WE FAILED AGAIN!  
Rose: You know, I say we just call a truce.  
Dee: Fine with me.  
  
(Rose and Dee shake hands.)  
  
Dee: See! It's so much better when we get alo--*Crack* OW! MY HAND!   
Rose: (Snickers)  
Dart: Let's go back to the Inn! We have Pepsi and donuts!  
All: YAY!  
  
(Everyone skips off happily into the sunset, and the fic draws to an end.)  
  
Narrator: No characters were harmed in the writing of this fanfic. Ok, that is a complete lie, but it's what I'm paid for.   
  
END! 


End file.
